My Companions

I lost my patience today.

No, that's not right. I was impatient today.

I yelled at the kids to be quiet. I yelled at the kids to stop yelling. I got easily frustrated and flustered. I longed for bedtime and coveted quiet. I dozed off on the couch during family movie night and then scolded my husband for almost doing the same.

And then the kids were in bed. I overheard my boys laughter as their daddy tucked them in. I sat by the bed of my toddler daughter and listened to the sweet sounds of her falling asleep. My sweet hubby encouraged me to put on a cooking show while he worked out and studied the Bible in the other room.

And in the quiet that I had so long for, it appeared. That sneaky companion who hovers behind me, waiting. Guilt. Guilt for the anger and frustration. The overwhelming feeling of failure. Wondering why I let silly, little things get to me so much.

I think about Eve in the garden. Genesis 3 says: "He (the serpent) said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

If I was Eve, I would have immediately thought up accusations. Why didn't God just tell me this himself? Did he lie to me? Does he think I'm not good enough? And then, in my stubborn humanity, I would have eaten the fruit.

And my nasty little companion was the bedfellow of Adam and Eve as well. Guilt. And the overwhelming shame of having my soul laid bare before the Creator. And in that moment I know my nakedness and I want to hide. I want to curl up in a ball with half a chocolate cake and weep over my failures.

But God didn't leave us in our failures. He gave us a Savior. And in him we have grace. We have hope. And like Paul says, "But he (Christ) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

It may be too late to go back and change today. But there will be a tomorrow. I will try to take more of that sufficient grace. And hopefully I will have less weakness to boast about.